"I forgive you" are the hardest words to say

After today’s discussion I was so impassioned by the talk and thoughts surrounding the topic of reconciliation and forgiveness that it has been on my mind the duration of the day. To me, the idea that forgiveness and reconciliation are independent was difficult to comprehend at first, but I have since been able to come to terms with the fact that these two ideals can coexist independently of one another. The problem then arises for me, is reconciliation without forgiveness ever truly reconciliation? I do not believe so, and I will take an example from my own life to demonstrate why. This is a rather personal topic, however I feel it fits into this category quite well.
My dispute to the claim that full reconciliation can be reached without forgiveness arises from a personal incident which occurred about a year ago. I was in a relatively serious relationship with a partner, and we were very close. Long story short, when I spent the summer in Morocco, we ended the relationship because of something I had done to damage it in such a way which seemed unforgiveable. Since then, we managed to work things out, and remain to this day to be very good friends.
The problem is, however, that my partner has never forgiven me for what I did. We have reconciled, yes, but forgiveness has never even been touched upon. So while we remain good friends, there is always going to be an underlying lack of trust, resentment and guilt because forgiveness was never addressed. Every day, I find myself with insurmountable feelings of guilt and the sole desire to receive forgiveness, although my partner has explicitly stated that forgiveness will never be given to me. So in this situation we have reconciled, but since we have not forgiven each other, it seems that a true and full form of reconciliation can and may never be reached. My partner, apparently, will always have some sort of feeling of resentment and mistrust, whereas I am forced to live forever with irreconcilable pain and guilt. How is this, then true reconciliation?
My time here in South Africa has shown me that the whole concept of forgiveness and reconciliation are far from the straightforward and noble concepts which we would like them to be. Religious forgiveness aside, it has become clear to me that forgiveness at least varies so much across cultures that it is almost impossible to apply our American ideals of justice and forgiveness to South Africa, and especially to our own personal relationships. This is a rather odd realization for me to have come to, as it seems to negate the parallels we are attempting to draw between South Africa and the United States. It has now become clear to me that just as we were asked, as Americans, to think outside the lens of capitalism, South Africans have not seen the same version of forgiveness so prominently found in the United States.
Knowing this now, how is it possible for us to take from the South African model of forgiveness and reconciliation and be able to apply it not only to the United States, but to our own personal discrepancies as well? It seems pessimistic to simply throw away all we have learned here, and as such it seems we must be able to analyze and dissect South African reconciliation (as we have done throughout the duration of this course) and take from it what we may. This is much easier said than done, since as we have discussed thus far in the class, we would much rather see others make these changes in our ideals of reconciliation than force ourselves to change our outlook and actions.
If I have learned nothing else from this course, I have learned then that we must take from what we have learned about truth, forgiveness and reconciliation and apply it deliberately in our own lives. Only through individual practice and dedication to these goals and ideals can change be realized. As much as we would like for society’s problem’s to remain for the rest of the world or the next generation, the only way in which change will ever be realized is through an individual’s resolute decision to conscientiously pursue these changes. While this requires much more work and personal concessions to achieve, we as Americans must learn to look out for the betterment of society as a whole, rather than simply for our own personal goals.